It Was Like Pulling Teeth
Or how I was robbed of my Tooth Fairy visit
Earlier this summer, I visited the dentist for the first time in twenty years. Yeah, yeah - I don’t care what you think of me. I know what kind of man I am, and that man is a coward in the face of drills, needles, and mouth clamps.
While at the dentist, I learned a valuable lesson - mainly, your mouth will go to shit if you put off visiting the dentist for two decades. Over the course of an hour, I was told I had thousands of dollars worth of dental work in my future, including teeth removal, bridge work, root canals, and more. So, faced with this important learning opportunity, I did what any man in my position would do: I put off going to the dentist for another three months.
The bell tolls for all, though, and so, last week, I finally summoned my courage and began my long journey ahead of metal shit being put into my mouth. This first significant procedure was supposed to involve a chipped (more like half-demolished) tooth being removed, and its two neighbors shaved down so that I could come back in another two weeks to install a bridge. The night before, I was filled with nervous energy - afraid of the pain, afraid of the money I’d be expected to plunk down, but also afraid of having strangers so close to my mouth for the two hours a Google search told me these procedures tended to take. What if my breath smelled? What if I accidentally burped? What if I had to go pee during the operation? There are so many questions and so many reasons to just not show up to the appointment.
My main excuse for not going to the dentist for the last twenty years has been that I had nobody to pressure me into doing it. I didn’t live with my parents, and any relationship I was in never made it past the point where we asked each other about our annual dental deep cleans. But this year was different - this year I had Lucía and she very much had a vested interest in the general health of my kissing apparatus. So, feeling external pressure and not wanting to disappoint my future wife, I found myself lying on a dental chair, mouth open, listening as a dentist ground the tops of my teeth with what felt like an industrial wood sander.
I had asked the dentist if it would be alright if I put in headphones and listened to music during the operation, hoping that some familiar tunes might help me tune out the discomfort of having my teeth removed. It turns out that there are no headphones powerful enough to drown out the sound of drills and sanders at work inside your mouth. The vibration near your bones reverberates up your eardrums like 311 being cranked at a frat party at 2 AM. Bon Iver was not up to the task.
At a certain point - around the time the heavy anesthesia started to kick in, and my mouth went numb - I grew less concerned about the pain and more curious about what was happening inside my mouth. I wished I had gotten a good look at the instruments or that there was a television monitor I could watch to see the dentist at work. What was that chipping noise I was hearing? Was the pin pressure in my gums a shot or a dental pick? Considering how numb my mouth was, would I even feel it when the dentist removed the tooth?
Yep, you feel it. There’s no question regarding the sensation of a human sticking their hand inside another human’s mouth and yanking out a tooth. The pressure, yes, but also the weird sensation that comes with having the dentist lean into your jaw to get a good grip before yanking at the tooth. It was like my mouth was a stubborn pickle jar the dentist was determined to open.
In the end, the pain wasn’t quite as bad as I imagined it to be. The pain of having a tooth removed, that is. The pain of opening up your wallet and plopping down a month’s rent was quite vivid. The worst part? I didn’t even get to keep the tooth. I was really counting on that 25-cent rebate the tooth fairy would bring.
It’s been almost a week, and my jaw is still aching. Having an empty gap in my mouth also feels weird as hell. I can’t stop darting my tongue into that gap and feeling around, like I’m grasping to find the light switch in a darkened room. Has this experience taught me to take better care of my mouth?
I dunno, ask the unopened package of floss sitting on the bathroom counter.
I’m still working with Debora Lancianese on a new chapter of WHERE WOLF. I know I’m biased, but bringing color into the sequel has really brought the sequel to life in a new way. The preview art below has a big JURASSIC PARK easter egg that will probably only be obvious if you live inside my brain. But I live inside my brain, so I’m pleased as hell with myself.
Remember, you can request a copy of WHERE WOLF from your local library or buy a personal copy directly from the publisher, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Brazos Bookstore in Houston, Ghoulish Books in San Antonio, or Whose Books in Dallas. If you've read WHERE WOLF, please consider leaving a rating or review on Amazon, Goodreads, The StoryGraph, or wherever you discover new books.
I’m hosting two events at the Alamo Drafthouse this week (only a few more weeks left before I host my final event at the Alamo!), and the good news is that they are both incredible films.
CONCRETE UTOPIA screens tonight (!!!) - Wednesday, August 14 at LaCenterra and sees a massive earthquake rock Seoul. The population is left decimated and living in rubble - except the residents of a single high-rise apartment complex whose home is left relatively intact. What follows is a tense and epic disaster porn hullabaloo about humanity at its worst - greedy, controlling, and selfishly in pursuit of self-preservation. It’s incredible! Buy tickets here.
THE COFFEE TABLE is about a couple bickering over a newly purchased coffee table. The wife thinks it is ugly. The husband stubbornly points out that he hasn’t been able to make any other decisions about their home’s decor. Unfortunately, they’ll soon have much more dire things to worry about after their new coffee table invites a worse-possible-case scenario into their life. This movie is the feel-bad hit of the summer, but it’s an incredibly gnarly and painfully funny family horror film. This film will leave your jaw on the floor and your heart in pain. It may be out of sympathy or because you were laughing so hard. It depends on how good of a person you are. Buy tickets here.
I saw both of these films at Fantastic Fest last year. Because of some work obligations surrounding my new job, I’m not going to be able to attend Fantastic Fest for an entire week this year, and it legitimately breaks my heart. The festival is one of the best annual experiences I have, and I encourage all you genre film lovers to attend at some point in your life.