My Brief Tenure As A Film Critic

Plus, Charlie Kaufman's ANTKIND

I spent most of February reading Charlie Kaufman’s debut novel ANTKIND. This 720-page novel was published in 2020 and was a day-one purchase for me.

Four years later, I finally read it.

I’m a huge fan of Kaufman’s films - ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND, ADAPTATION, BEING JOHN MALKOVICH, and CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND are all incredible movies that I have come back to multiple times over the years. 720 pages is a long-ass book, though, and I spent four years skipping over Kaufman’s tome in favor of quicker reads. New year, new me, though; I read long-ass books.

Overall, I think I enjoyed ANTKIND. The book is impossible to completely describe but, ostensibly, it’s about a film critic who discovers a lost film that takes three months to watch. After viewing the movie once, the critic accidentally sets the only film print ablaze and immediately lands in an amnesia-inducing coma. The rest of the novel follows the critic as he tries to remember what was in the movie. I said I think I enjoyed ANTKIND because, while I frequently laughed out loud at the novel’s very funny dialogue and gags, huge swaths of the book feel like a prank designed to frustrate and confuse. ANTKIND is a stream-of-consciousness critique of film criticism wrapped in a series of Abbott and Costello routines wrapped in a plot about Trump falling in love with a robot replica of himself wrapped in a plot about mutant ants inheriting society wrapped in countless soliloquies in which our protagonist doth protest too much about his lack of racism. In other words, it’s exactly the kind of novel you’d expect Charlie Kaufman to write.

Reading ANTKIND made me reminisce about my own history as a film critic. I applied for The Battalion, Texas A&M’s student newspaper, my very first week attending the school. The only thing I wanted to write were film reviews. This was mostly born from the fact that I didn’t even want to be at Texas A&M. I had wanted to attend film school but such is life. If I couldn’t study to be a director, I wanted to ensure my proximity to the art I loved so much by judging the hell out of it.

The first two reviews I wrote were for CABIN FEVER and ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO. They are very embarrassing. I gave CABIN FEVER five out of five stars and suggested, without bothering to fact-check, that Jim Henson was a real-life casualty of the flesh-eating bacteria. As I continued to write for The Battalion, I became better at crafting reviews. I even won awards from the Texas Press Association for my writing. One of the highlights from my college career involved a local radio station reaching out to see if I wanted to read my reviews on their show. I had to wake up at 7 AM on Tuesdays and I was really bad at it - stumbling over my words and rushing through without the proper pauses - so that segment lasted only a few weeks. But I was asked!

After graduating from Texas A&M, I wrote a weekly film column for the Bryan/College Station Eagle for a few years. I had a very unfortunate mugshot that accompanied my writing.

What began as a fun way to keep writing about movies quickly turned into a chore, though. I’m very proud of the articles from that first year writing for The Eagle but it became super obvious that I was just phoning it in after a bit. My column just tapered out until, one week, I stopped emailing it in. My editor didn’t even bother asking what was up. She knew.

I thought my days as a film writer were over but then I discovered blogging. My first blog was a WordPress site in which I wrote about life and my memories. Not too dissimilar from this newsletter. I’ve always been a sucker for self-reflection. The last thing I wanted to do, though, was write about movies. I was over that - there was no challenge in it. But then I realized that sometimes challenges can be overrated. Needing to keep up with the daily (!!!) schedule for posts I had foolishly set for myself, I started writing about films again - specifically, reviewing the bottom-of-the-barrel movies that were thriving on Netflix’s then-new streaming platform. BOWLING FOR ELVES: THE MOVIE, ROMEO AND JULIET: SEALED WITH A KISS, ACE VENTURA, JR - I churned through these “movies” and wrote snarky missives that were basically an excuse to just beat up on the filmmakers from afar. These reviews caught the attention of a friend who was editing the movie spin-off site of a popular wrestling website and asked if I wanted to contribute reviews. “There’s no pay,” he warned, “but I’ll send you free movies.” Well, I’ve never been one to turn down free movies.

Unfortunately, I failed to consider that I’d built a little niche for myself in the world of “bad movies.” My friend would send me a neverending stream of straight-to-DVD garbage. But that was OK! I had fun beating up on movies. Recently, an online acquaintance messaged me about one of the reviews I had written during this time. The movie was an obscure DIY Australian vampire film and the friend was working on a podcast about the filmmaker. He had discovered my review and wanted to know if I was the same “Robert Saucedo.” Reading that review filled me with so much shame and embarrassment. It was just juvenile schoolyard bullying - unclever name-calling, personal attacks, and - worst of all - just poorly written.

I’m more proud of the new release film reviews I eventually transitioned into writing. I was a hobbyist more than anything so, to review the films, I had to go to the Thursday night preview screenings, come home and quickly dash out a review. I became very competitive with my fellow writers - striving to write reviews faster and faster so that I could call dibs on as many new releases as possible. These reviews led to me attending SXSW and Fantastic Fest as a member of the press. Let me tell you, I do NOT miss attending film festivals as a critic. There is nothing more exhausting and mind-draining than having to watch five movies a day and then trying to write five reviews between those screenings. I was like a zombie - and my festival reviews frequently read like the hyperbolic ramblings of a sleep-deprived goblin. I remember describing a movie as having the impact of a “Sharpie up the butt.” Imagine my surprise when it wound up being quoted on a movie poster.

Slight tangent but being quoted on marketing materials is the venom of any self-respecting film critic. It’s addicting to see your name alongside a movie you like and chasing that dragon can lead to just the most embarrassing shit imaginable.

For the record, I love UNDOCUMENTED but that is some craven hyperbolic bullshit!

I worked as an online film critic for about three years and, at some point, I made the mistake most new online film writers make - I thought I could make a living out of it. The truth is, I rarely got paid for my film writing after The Eagle. But that certainly didn’t stop me from trying. I was always hustling - networking with as many film critics as I could, trying to worm my way into new outlets, doing whatever I could to establish a name for myself. I was pegging my future on the hopes that somebody out there was going to read my “Sharpie in the butthole” review (heh, pegging) and offer me a full-time gig watching movies.

Yeah, right.

But then something happened - I was offered a full-time gig watching movies. I started working for the Alamo Drafthouse in 2011 and, at first, I thought I could continue to write movie reviews and work for a movie theater. I had just joined the Houston Film Critics Society - an organization that did little for my dreams of writing professionally but did offer me free awards consideration screeners at the end of the year. I thought I was on the road to approaching my future in cinema from both sides - exhibition and criticism.

Here’s the thing, though - it sucks to write bad reviews once you’re a part of the “industry.” There are certainly a few people I know who are film programmers or filmmakers and continue to work as film critics - sometimes even particularly harsh film critics. Power to them, but that’s not me. I couldn’t continue to trash movies - even the movies I didn’t like - once I had a better understanding of what it takes to make and market a movie. Or, to be more honest, I couldn’t trash movies publically. I didn’t want to find myself in a situation where somebody called me on my bullshit to my face - I am, always, a coward - but, more selfishly, I didn’t want to burn any bridges that might help me professionally down the road.

Right or wrong, I recognized my conflict of interest and knew what I had to do. A year after joining the Houston Film Critics Society, I announced my retirement from film criticism. The world mourned, I’m sure. Over the last decade, I have continued to write about films for publications like BIRTH. MOVIES. DEATH, FANGORIA and - most often - my personal blog - but it’s always about movies I love or about the weird secret histories behind movies. I do like writing about film, but more than that, I like championing movies that are great. That’s part of the reason I like my role as a film programmer so much - I’m able to get people to watch movies I know there going to dig. When I do write about movies, I’m doing it for that same end-result: getting good movies in front of eyeballs.

I think it’s impossible to be both a film critic and a part of the film industry. At least it is for me. I just don’t have what it takes to shit where I eat or eat where I shit. And, besides, when it comes down to it, my current job pays a lot more than film criticism ever did.