Last night, I watched MADAME WEB, Sony Pictures’ latest attempt to kickstart a Spider-Man Cinematic Universe without actually being able to use Spider-Man as a character. Much like MORBIUS before it, MADAME WEB underperformed at the box office and received reviews almost as sharply written as the fangs of a brown recluse. Why, then, did I choose to spend $20 renting the movie on iTunes? It’s easy - I grew up during the Superhero Movie Depression.
I was five years old when Tim Burton’s BATMAN was released, and by the time I started reading comics in the early ‘90s, the Christopher Reeve Superman films were already relics in pop culture's rearview mirror. As a comic book-obsessed kid in the mid to late ‘90s, I took what I was given and was grateful for it. A CGI-drenched half-baked live-action SPAWN? Sure, at least it’s something! Sly Stalone in a barely recognizable JUDGE DREDD adaptation? Yes, please! STEEL? If that’s what I have to work with, I’ll even buy the VHS!
I would read Wizard Magazine’s Hollywood gossip column every month and learn of tantalizing rumors of big-screen X-MEN or JUSTICE LEAGUE movies. Still, none of them ever came to fruition before the end of the decade. Instead, all I had was made-for-TV garbage like GENERATION X or NICK FURY. Like a man-sized possum in a tightly-fitting Batman t-shirt, I grew to like the taste of garbage.
And then the ‘00s hit, and comic book fans were treated to summer after summer stuffed with big-screen superhero movies. For the first time, we had significant Hollywood stars dressed in leather (spandex is for lame-os!) and their digital stuntmen tasked with fighting mutant dogs, trenchcoat-wearing assassins, and beloved character actor Willem Dafoe. What a glorious time to be alive! Were all the films Good™? Oh, God no - but they existed! And, for a while, that was enough.
It’s hard to remember a time when there weren’t a half dozen comic book movies being released in theaters every year, but I lived through those times! I remember the lean years when I had to beg for a DAREDEVIL movie, and now I have literally hundreds of hours of DAREDEVIL-related content to watch, and I just can’t say “no.” Like your grandparents who grew up during the Great Depression and now take dinner rolls home from Golden Corral in their purses, I need to watch every superhero movie, regardless of whether or not it is good.
And, so, was MADAME WEB good? In a word, no.
There was no reason to make a MADAME WEB movie. There have been absolutely zero Madame Web fans that have ever existed on this planet. If you were a kid watching Fox’s animated SPIDER-MAN show and this gal showed up on screen, you probably experienced your first brush with little case “d” depression.
If Sony wanted a female superhero movie they could have just made, you know, SPIDER-WOMAN. But you’ve got to admire that Sony went all in and made a MADAME WEB movie that’s basically FINAL DESTINATION meets THE TERMINATOR. Dakota Johnson plays an EMT medic who is tasked with protecting a trio of teenage girls from a mysterious dude in a Spider-Man costume (who is not Spider-Man). No, this Spider-Man-lite wants to kill the girls because he can see the future and, in that future, the ladies will murder him. Fun with IP, indeed!
Like, imagine if a studio was “Oops, we’ve got no choice but to greenlight a MY MOM THE CAR movie. Let’s also make it a remake of WAGES OF FEAR.” Genius! I will always salute absolute stupidity like the flavor that is MADAME WEB’s. The movie sucks, but it sucks in such a weird way. It also helps that Dakota Johnson clearly wants nothing to do with the movie. It’s fun to watch a film in which the lead actress is clearly being held hostage by the decisions of her managers and agents. I almost wish the movie had done big business so we could have seen Johnson forced to suit up in her comically large sunglasses and recruit Morbius and Venom into the Webslingers or some dumb shit like that. You reap the crops you sow, Mrs. Johnson.
It’s fun to think about the fact that Sony is forced to suck it up and move forward with the release of a third non-Spider-Man Spider-Man film this fall with KRAVEN THE HUNTER. Good luck, guys. We’re all rooting for you. Especially those of us who watched THE CROW SALVATION in the ‘90s. Especially us.
HUNDREDS OF BEAVERS is easily one of the most grin-inducing films I've seen in a long time. Just wall-to-wall gags. It's very stupid but incredibly smart in that stupidity. The level of slapstick on display needs genius levels of talent and planning. A fur trapper sets out to make his fortune, but he’s no match for a colony of man-sized beavers. The movie is as if Chuck Jones and Buster Keaton got together and threw a party during a local furry convention. It’s incredible, and it’s now available to rent or own. Watch it!
Speaking of superhero movies, THE PEOPLE’S JOKER opens in several new theaters this weekend. It’s an audacious and funny coming-of-age story by an artist with much to say about her experiences as a trans woman and the state of comedy and Hollywood.
Writer/director/star Vera Drew tells an autobiographical story using the iconography of DC Comics - real deep-cut nerdy shit too. The IP appropriation is fun, but maybe not the point. I loved the movie’s take-no-prisoners approach to its message. The movie feels like a mad manifesto, and you’ll want to sit up and take notes. See it!
I’m back in town this week and hosting several events at the Alamo Drafthouse LaCenterra. Join me Wednesday for a screening of a new 4K restoration of THREE COLORS: BLUE. Krzysztof Kieślowski’s landmark arthouse film stars Juliette Binoche as a woman reeling from the death of her husband and daughter. A chance meeting with an old friend and potential new lover might be what it takes to draw her out of her depression. Buy tickets here!
On Friday, I’m screening André Øvredal’s TROLL HUNTER, an incredible found footage horror film from 2010. The film follows a group of documentarians hoping to expose the long-buried secrets surrounding Norway’s troll population. But maybe there’s a reason why the Norwegian government has worked so hard to keep the creature’s existence a secret. Buy tickets here!
I’m excited to show off the new cover for WHERE WOLF Chapter 19. This chapter spotlights Gwen Reed, and Debora Lancianese did an incredible job capturing the essence of one of my favorite characters to write. I can’t wait to share the chapter with you, along with eleven other new chapters, in THE CURSE OF THE WHERE WOLF. Coming … soon.
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If you haven't read WHERE WOLF, please request a copy from your local library or buy a personal copy of your own directly from the publisher, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Brazos Bookstore in Houston, Ghoulish Books in San Antonio, or Whose Books in Dallas.
That’s all for this week. Beware the moon!